Unsolicited Advice
I have a complaint. Today, I gave the ultimate advice giver some advice. My mom has the philosophy in life thatshe is just giving you her two cents worth and who couldn't use two cents. She has always loved giving advice and being slightly nosey. The advice is not the problem, at least not 100% of it. If she could just give advice, drop the subject, and then allow you to make the decision, there would be no problem. Unfortunately, she gives advice in such a way that does not allow for any other legitimate alternative. Usually this advice will be repeated 2-3 x a week (in ever increasing increments) until the advice is followed. I have taken the slightly indirect, sometimes sneaky way of dealing with the advice. Slightly squint my eyes and look off to the side (like in deep thought) and then nod slightly as if the wisdom is sinking in and then do my own thing. 90% of the time, Mom is appeased and I am free to do what I wish. The other 10% of the time we go through a period of hostility and annoyance, because even if the advice is good I tend to be stubborn. Of course if the advice is good, it is usually seconded by my father who my husband and I both agree has great wisdom. (Clarification--my mom has wisdom, her presentation is what is stinky).
So, given this, I am very hesitant to give advice unless asked. Tonight, on my Birthday, I took advantage. The side story goes something like this. On my trip recently to Colorado to visit my brother, his wife, and my neice, the advice giving of my Mom came up. Her advice created anger and withdrawal in my brother (to say the least) and in his wife, it created hurt feelings and also some withdrawal. With this in mind, finding out about Mom and Dad's upcoming trip to Colorado, I braved the unsolicited advice world. I asked about their upcoming trip. I reminded my mother about how sensitive my brother could be about perceived criticisms. I laid the bait down thick on this hook. She wasn't biting. So I get a little more straight forward. Just refrain from advice, especially unsolicited. Still wasn't biting--she wanted to go into how those criticisms are truly just "perceived" on the part of my brother. Oh no, my husband could no longer stay out either, "You have to admit that you come across as critical," says my husband.
She did not say much else. I mentioned the importance of acceptance and not pushing (I think) in getting them to come here. I meant visiting more, Mom thought I meant moving here. And we were off topic.
So here is a little prayer going out that after some thought the unsolicited advice to the queen of unsolicited advice will sink in.
Monday, July 31, 2006
30
I turned 30 today. My co-workers and friends all are ready to extend their sympathy. I'm thrilled. I did my 30's in my 20's. Meaning, I got married early, we chased the American dream and bought a house, we went through all sorts of infertility crap, I behaved well because I was a ministers wife (still a wife, he's no longer the minister). And now I'm am really facing my 30's and there is no big plan. The 30's are wide open. No regrets from my 20's are chasing me. I am loving the idea of thirty-something. Age is not so scary today.
I turned 30 today. My co-workers and friends all are ready to extend their sympathy. I'm thrilled. I did my 30's in my 20's. Meaning, I got married early, we chased the American dream and bought a house, we went through all sorts of infertility crap, I behaved well because I was a ministers wife (still a wife, he's no longer the minister). And now I'm am really facing my 30's and there is no big plan. The 30's are wide open. No regrets from my 20's are chasing me. I am loving the idea of thirty-something. Age is not so scary today.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
"
Gilmore Girls"
Have you ever really liked something, but could not explain why? This is what Gilmore Girls is to me. It is in no way uplifting, I do not share their values, and although I have heard the arguement that the mother and daughter relationship is something to be envied, I don't see it. And yet, I am addicted. Not only to the Tuesday night on the WB, but also the reruns daily on ABC Family (I don't know what time they come on, that is the beauty of Tivo). So the premise:
The Youngest: Rouri. You get to see what a "normal" teenager life is like. Except, there is nothing normal about this kid. She is astoundingly smart and mature (especially considering her lack of role models). In High School she is accepted into this prestigious prep school, which is good because her life-long dream is to go to Harvard (as it turns out, she goes to Yale, drops out after being arrested for stealing a boat, but goes back to Yale when dumped by the boy she stole the boat with). The thing is, for a smart and mature girl, she makes some very stupid decisions. She has read every book in the planet, and knows many more words than I ever will, but she is ruled by her emotions. (BALANCE people).
The Mother: Laurelai. She got pregnant at 16 and gave birth to Rouri. The problem, she is determined to be the opposite of her mother and be her kid's best friend. Unfortunately, this means that her maturity got frozen at 16, at least until her daughter caught up with her. She manages to screw up many, many relationships, because she is pining for the high school sweet heart that knocked her up. This woman moved to a small town to escape her own mother and eventually became the owner of an inn. (How she could qualify for a business loan when only one season before she could not qualify for a second mortgage is beyond my comprehension)
The Grandmother: Emily. Rich to a tee. Manipulative to no end. Sometimes you think that she may be the normal one and then she pulls some mess and you realize, no, she is her own set of crazy. She is so particular, that she cannot even keep a maid for more than a week or two at a time. She is so out of touch with what real life is about, she is wrapped up in DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meetings and charity functions. Her great disappointment in life and the thorn in her side, her daughter Laurelai. Her consolation prize, her granddaughter Rouri, who she is determined will be the one to follow in her foot steps.
As I said, I am addicted. I have never seen such unhealthy relationships (with the people in those relationships so oblivious to the dysfunction) and heard so many comments to the contrary. Case in point: Today's episode ends with Rouri coming to her mother to tell her that she is thinking about "IT". That she is thinking about having sex with a boy that she has been dating for 2 months (having just recently breaking up with a boy that she dated and remained chaste with for 2 years). This boy is the definition of bad news. He was sent to live with his Uncle because his wild behavior in New York was getting him into big trouble. I have heard it said, "Isn't that great that she is comfortable coming to her mother and her mother does not judge her." Now if I had a daughter, or I had this conversation with my mother it would have gone something like this: Daughter, "I'm thinking about having sex with this boy." Mother, "Over my dead body, you are never seeing him again." Or at the very least, "You will have a chaperone at all times if you wish to continue seeing this boy." But in the world of Gilmore Girls, the mother is so scared of ruining the relationship with her daughter that she says nothing at all. Not even a "Think about this first." or "I believe you are making a big mistake." or even, "Your virginity is a precious gift that you can only give once, don't give it away too soon."
I see too many parents in real life that want to be buddies with their kids for me to be fooled into thinking that it works. I have had parents say, "What can I say, she/he knows that I did it." SO WHAT??????? As adults do we not now have greater wisdom than when we were 16 years old? And if we as teenagers did not have adults with wisdom to guide us, is it fair to refrain now from guiding future generations?
Here's what I think;
1. There is a fine line between parenting and friendship. And sometimes they are the same thing, but if it is ever a choice between the two, the parent side should win.
2. NO is not a four letter word. It can be said without being abusive or hateful. It can actually make a positive difference in someone's live. It is not "the saddest experience you will ever know."
3. Values are meant to be passed down. What I feel to be right and wrong, regardless if I did it or not, is valid to teach.
4. Relationship is key. Unless you have a knowledge of the person and a relationship of love established first, the discipline will really be difficult to handle.
Gilmore Girls"Have you ever really liked something, but could not explain why? This is what Gilmore Girls is to me. It is in no way uplifting, I do not share their values, and although I have heard the arguement that the mother and daughter relationship is something to be envied, I don't see it. And yet, I am addicted. Not only to the Tuesday night on the WB, but also the reruns daily on ABC Family (I don't know what time they come on, that is the beauty of Tivo). So the premise:
The Youngest: Rouri. You get to see what a "normal" teenager life is like. Except, there is nothing normal about this kid. She is astoundingly smart and mature (especially considering her lack of role models). In High School she is accepted into this prestigious prep school, which is good because her life-long dream is to go to Harvard (as it turns out, she goes to Yale, drops out after being arrested for stealing a boat, but goes back to Yale when dumped by the boy she stole the boat with). The thing is, for a smart and mature girl, she makes some very stupid decisions. She has read every book in the planet, and knows many more words than I ever will, but she is ruled by her emotions. (BALANCE people).
The Mother: Laurelai. She got pregnant at 16 and gave birth to Rouri. The problem, she is determined to be the opposite of her mother and be her kid's best friend. Unfortunately, this means that her maturity got frozen at 16, at least until her daughter caught up with her. She manages to screw up many, many relationships, because she is pining for the high school sweet heart that knocked her up. This woman moved to a small town to escape her own mother and eventually became the owner of an inn. (How she could qualify for a business loan when only one season before she could not qualify for a second mortgage is beyond my comprehension)
The Grandmother: Emily. Rich to a tee. Manipulative to no end. Sometimes you think that she may be the normal one and then she pulls some mess and you realize, no, she is her own set of crazy. She is so particular, that she cannot even keep a maid for more than a week or two at a time. She is so out of touch with what real life is about, she is wrapped up in DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meetings and charity functions. Her great disappointment in life and the thorn in her side, her daughter Laurelai. Her consolation prize, her granddaughter Rouri, who she is determined will be the one to follow in her foot steps.
As I said, I am addicted. I have never seen such unhealthy relationships (with the people in those relationships so oblivious to the dysfunction) and heard so many comments to the contrary. Case in point: Today's episode ends with Rouri coming to her mother to tell her that she is thinking about "IT". That she is thinking about having sex with a boy that she has been dating for 2 months (having just recently breaking up with a boy that she dated and remained chaste with for 2 years). This boy is the definition of bad news. He was sent to live with his Uncle because his wild behavior in New York was getting him into big trouble. I have heard it said, "Isn't that great that she is comfortable coming to her mother and her mother does not judge her." Now if I had a daughter, or I had this conversation with my mother it would have gone something like this: Daughter, "I'm thinking about having sex with this boy." Mother, "Over my dead body, you are never seeing him again." Or at the very least, "You will have a chaperone at all times if you wish to continue seeing this boy." But in the world of Gilmore Girls, the mother is so scared of ruining the relationship with her daughter that she says nothing at all. Not even a "Think about this first." or "I believe you are making a big mistake." or even, "Your virginity is a precious gift that you can only give once, don't give it away too soon."
I see too many parents in real life that want to be buddies with their kids for me to be fooled into thinking that it works. I have had parents say, "What can I say, she/he knows that I did it." SO WHAT??????? As adults do we not now have greater wisdom than when we were 16 years old? And if we as teenagers did not have adults with wisdom to guide us, is it fair to refrain now from guiding future generations?
Here's what I think;
1. There is a fine line between parenting and friendship. And sometimes they are the same thing, but if it is ever a choice between the two, the parent side should win.
2. NO is not a four letter word. It can be said without being abusive or hateful. It can actually make a positive difference in someone's live. It is not "the saddest experience you will ever know."
3. Values are meant to be passed down. What I feel to be right and wrong, regardless if I did it or not, is valid to teach.
4. Relationship is key. Unless you have a knowledge of the person and a relationship of love established first, the discipline will really be difficult to handle.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
"State of Fear"
I just finished reading this book. I usually love Michael Crichton books and on the one hand this was no different. There was a lot of action and had a page turner plot. It doesn't take a lot to please me with a fiction book. Just make it interesting and MC accomplished that no problem.
On the otherhand, I felt as if I were reading some propaganda. I have to tell you I get quite sick of celebreties getting on their soap box and going off. This was a little different. It focused on that ever debated topic--global warming. Also different from the norm is he actually sited scientific journal articles to the arguments. While reading I could hear MC's voice speaking through intellegence agent Kenner, who of course, is the only character that seems to have all the information. Could a real life person just pull out stats like that from his butt? Not to mention how completely ignorant and crazy the environmentalist were portrayed in the book.
I do appreciate that MC did lay bare his biases through the Author's Message at the conclusion of the book. "A novel such as State of Fear, in which so many divergent views are expressed, may lead the reader to wonder where, exactly, the author stands on these issues." Not really Mr. Crichton. You spoke well through Agent Kenner. I did agree with MC on several points though.
I do not believe that the effects of CO2 are truly and fully known, though to deny they are increasing would be foolish. I do believe that surface warming does come from human activity, especially given that cities are hotter than outlying rural areas. I do believe that Americans should set the example of cutting waste and pollution, but do not need to force this on developing countries. I believe that we need a new environmental movement with more scientist getting the press than lawyers.
This was a good book, if anything to spark new discussion on a worn out topic--global warming. I would recommend it.
Stained Glass
I do stained glass. And I have to confess I become very philosophical while cutting and souldering the pieces. And when I get philosophical, I sometimes get a little cheesy (there is the warning for you).
I view working with stained glass very much like working with people. First, glass is at the same time amazingly fragile and hard at the same time. There is no question that glass is fragile. It cracks, it shatters, it explodes. But have you ever been surprised by glass. Perhaps you have dropped a dish and found out that it doesn't break. Glass is hard. In much the same way, people are amazingly fragile and hard at the same time. I am always astounded by how resilient the kids I work with are. They survive so much and still thrive. Then I have seen the same kid that has survived abuse and practical torture, break down by a slight from a friend. Glass is strong and difficult to break (and work with), but score the glass and watch the crack grow.
Second, there are many different types of glass. Even at a limited shop such as Hobby Lobby, you can find many different varieties. You can get transparent, opaque, translucent, pearlized, waterglass, baroque... Just like people. They are so varied. Some are easier to work with then others, some are more beautiful than others, some are intracate and complicated, some are simple. And don't fool yourself that what you see is what you get. Even though transparents let more light through the glass, they have a tendency to distort whatever image is behind it. People also have a tendency to seem transparent, but distort what you see. Others are more opaque. They don't want to let anyone in.
Third, you have to make pieces and put them together to make a beautiful creation. Life hurts. Just as the craftsman cuts the glass to shape the pieces to fit his plan, life has a tendency to cut us, to shape together the different pieces needed for the final product. Then the glass has to be souldered together. Another painful process, using a hot iron to melt the soulder into place. Sometimes we have to go through a painful time, maybe not even understanding what is going on, but afterwards, it just fits, it just makes since.
Forth, the finished product has to be clean and displayed in the best place for that piece. People shine better when they are where they fit. You cannot force a large stained glass in the back of a closet and expect it to look its best. Also you have to give attention to what its characteristics are and where it would look best. Sometimes I make a stained glass with a place in mind and other times I have done a stained glass and would have to wait to hang it when I know I have the right place for it. Either way, the key is that it fits in that place. People too have to find their right place to really be at their best. This means that the person has to know themselves well before making big placement decisions: career, spouse, etc.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Babies
I love babies. Most especially, I love my niece that I just met. She is 3 months and very expressive. She has so much personality. I went out to Colorado as I already explained. It was a great trip. And most importantly I got in some baby-time.
See, I can't have babies. I'm not saying that to bum you out. It's something that I have come to terms with this year and I'm very excited about adoption. More than likely we will be adopting older kids rather than babies, so I try to get as much baby time as possible. So, in order to have some bragging rights, here is a Lily picture to ooh and aah over.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Friday, July 07, 2006
It takes all Kinds
A friend emailed me this web connection:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/bk.html
It took me to a sight that had recordings of 911 calls. I don't know if they are all real, but this one cracked me up. The gist--a lady called 911 because she was unhappy with the way that Burger King had fixed her hamburger and wanted the operator to send someone out to make the manager fix it correctly.
I get a little tired of people who seem to think that the world revolves around them. I understand the frustration of a wrong order, but cannot imagine ever thinking that this frustration entitles me to call 911 and tie up their lines. Let us define what emergency is for those that have forgotten since school. Is somebody bleeding, is somebody choking, is somebody collapsed or even hurt (feelings don't count).
What a day.
A friend emailed me this web connection:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/bk.html
It took me to a sight that had recordings of 911 calls. I don't know if they are all real, but this one cracked me up. The gist--a lady called 911 because she was unhappy with the way that Burger King had fixed her hamburger and wanted the operator to send someone out to make the manager fix it correctly.
I get a little tired of people who seem to think that the world revolves around them. I understand the frustration of a wrong order, but cannot imagine ever thinking that this frustration entitles me to call 911 and tie up their lines. Let us define what emergency is for those that have forgotten since school. Is somebody bleeding, is somebody choking, is somebody collapsed or even hurt (feelings don't count).
What a day.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Gross
My dog Delmar is part Rat Terrier. One of his favorite pastimes out in the yard is to dig up moles and kill them. My husband and I have noticed that Delmar has been smelling a lot when he comes inside for the night. Today I found out why. I was mowing the grass in the back yard and I ran over a dead mole. This, of course, scattered the mole and a horrendous smell was the result. I started gagging and ran inside to get some water and away from the smell. The other dog, Miriam, actually did throw up. The smell was bad!!! I go out with my husband to see if the mole was still stuck in the blade of the mower. No, but there was a piece of flesh on the wheel. By this time, the flies were beginning to swarm. Thousands of them in the yard and on the spot on the wheel. So we hose down the mower and I go inside, still feeling slightly queezy. As I get myself some water I look out at the lawn. Delmar and Miriam were inspecting the "mole." They would sniff a spot then roll around on top of it. Over and Over again. Periodically, Delmar would stand up and pee over the spot. I do believe my dogs will be getting a bath today.
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